The Lost Head of Damasceno Monteiro

Tonight I feel I’ve got the Beauty inside. It is a state of amazing grace, which only love can give. No matter if words are not right, not in my language.

It’s me, anyway.

And there are so beautiful, loving and caring people in my life.

Taking care of me when I feel so alone. When I would like only to close my eyes and disappear from the face of the earth, of the world, of the entire universe. Disappear. Like I’ve never been thought by someone.

Many people I met in my life told me I should write. I should tell to others, I should share these thoughts of mine.

Hal, you’re a part of this Beauty I was gifted tonight. Of this music, which creates never ending worlds and never ending loves.

It’s the way I can meet a beatiful soul like yours was, I’m quite sure.

What is happening inside my mind and my soul tells me this is not a good moment I’m living.

But shit happens.

At the same time I perfectly know those negative feelings, which are inside me right now ,are not in anyway all of my life.

I have, and I had up to now, a beautiful and intese life.

God gave me a lot. Of everything.

A family who loves me so much I can’t describe it with human words.

Together with my family I’ve got friends who mean life to me.

If I’m still here, if I was able to emerge from the black hole in which my soul fell down in the past, part is due to the core deep deep inside of me which lives so strongly and fights.

And part is due to the love and care I got from my friends.

I had a beautiful life, full of things I love. Travelling a lot, reading a lot, laughing a lot…so much.

I thank you God for every single day.

Hal, reading and listenign to you, your voice, the way you moved your hands and your harms, the few seconds in which you were so much like a small child,make me thing you were such a weird and nice person. Too fragile, too sensitive.

You are helping me a lot. To think about things, about friendship, about love.

Dear me,

Last weeks have been very tough. While during the last months I had time to relax, think and enjoy the very little things of my very complicated life, now I feel tired and confused.

Few months before everything seemed clear.

I know that my mind is tired because my body is tired. This life of mine, this everyday running to reach everyplace where I NEED to do things…school, and then university, and then the supermarket or the gym.All of this makes me feel sick.

I know it’s important not to give up. Not now.But feelings of depression are just behind the corner.

I feel scared. Deadly scared.

And I do mistakes. Stupid mistakes. I would like to stop it and instead I do worse.

That guy is the most interesting person I met in the last couple of years. And I made all my best to scare him.

Not easy to recover. Not at all. I would like to. But I don’t have a fucking idea of how to rearrange the things.

In a way this makes me smile. Of myself of course. Sometimes I behave like a baby.

Goodnight all.